One of the thing that i love is reactions. Half the things i do is to generate a reaction. The other half, eh, not important. At least to this subject. If i want to do something i'll do it. I started to think about this again after so long because of a conversation with Andrea. Sometimes, i know the reaction. I get to know people quick. The way they move, the way they act, their likes and dislikes all point to how they would react to something i do. How they feel about me and other stuff goes into it as well. If i want to do something that would be sorta flirtatious or whatever and the girls feelings aren't the same as what mine might be then i don't do it. Which had stopped me from doing lots of things in the past. What they are stay with me.
Cause and effect. I cause something and weigh in on someones reactions. I am addicted to it. I really am.
When i saw a beautiful black woman sit next to me in math class in college, when i saw that she had feelings for me and the feelings that were building in my heart for her, i knew for a fact that i had to do something. I didn't know how she would react to it but i knew that i had to do something. So, in a slow elevator, alone, going down from the third floor of a building, i made my move. We flirted, played and then i kissed her. She returned the kiss and we made out all the way down.
Wondering how people would react to something i do started things between Tammy and I after a conversation we had about her wondering how i was in bed. I started things and then we were naked. Same thing when Heather (from way back then) and i got close and i put my hands down her pants, just to see her reaction. Same thing when i scratched at Tonya's back after i found out that that was one of her spots. Same thing with Jenn when i gave her Reunion.
If i left a message on your wall, or said something that was prolly alil off, yeah, i said it because i am curious and because i am addicted to reactions. I may not know exactly what you would do or how you would react but i will still do it.
I didn't know that Tammy would let me take off her pants and be all into the whole thing. I didn't know that Heather was going to run with it and have wild crazy sex with me from then on. I knew that Tonya would end up naked on that night, and i knew that Jenn would open up her heart to me more than she did before i gave her the story.
So if any of you ever thought that i wanted to do something with you or to you and i haven't, then i don't want to. Or the risks are too great. Which has prolly happened twice in the passed four years.
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Saturday, December 6, 2008
To Tamsin Part 1
::Yeah, so what if i put up the second part up first. I have been working on this for longer::
I am in love with a woman
And her in love with me
But we are separated by the sea.
During my waking day I think of her
During my dreaming nights I dream of her
Because I feel that her spirit is with me.
A woman with a broken heart that I almost have fixed
The way that she fixed mine.
My opposite in sanity
But my equal in being a literary genius and creative master mind.
She plays with words to give them new meaning
And writes sentences that dig so deep they touch your soul.
A calming effect that assures you
That everything is going to be OK.
We are separated by the sea but I would cross it if she asked me.
Throwing caution to the wind
Ignoring the dangers of sharks and sea snakes.
Using whales and dolphins to take me half way
Because nothing should separate her from me.
I am in love with a woman
And her in love with me
But we are separated by the sea.
During my waking day I think of her
During my dreaming nights I dream of her
Because I feel that her spirit is with me.
A woman with a broken heart that I almost have fixed
The way that she fixed mine.
My opposite in sanity
But my equal in being a literary genius and creative master mind.
She plays with words to give them new meaning
And writes sentences that dig so deep they touch your soul.
A calming effect that assures you
That everything is going to be OK.
We are separated by the sea but I would cross it if she asked me.
Throwing caution to the wind
Ignoring the dangers of sharks and sea snakes.
Using whales and dolphins to take me half way
Because nothing should separate her from me.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Tapping finger on keyboard trying to come up with a title.
I have OCD, ADD and i am schizophrenic.
Before i typed this, i wrote it on paper and i reviewed everything that i have ever learned about those three things. Before i posted this, i checked my facts about them and looked through a couple of websites with information. After i post this i will check it again and edit accordingly. I will keep doing this up until i feel it's perfect. I write, check my facts, and rewrite. All the time. The poems and stories posted are not always the same. In the transition from mind to paper, a poem or story has one form. When it hits paper, it is rewritten to sound better. When it is posted, again.
A thought pops into my head and i obsess over it. When i meet someone from a different place than the one i live, i do research on that place. I met frank and tamsin, i printed out more than 25 pages of history of South Africa. Tamsin said "I Love You" to me and i found out she spoke Afrikaans, i searched online for a day trying to figure out how to say it in that language. (i thought i spelled the name of the language wrong so i looked for the message where she confirmed it and copy and pasted it on here.)
Tammy and Heather (not the one i hang with now) did witchcraft. I did research on the history of Wicca and looked for protection spells that i could do on myself and looked for places that would do it for me in case things went sour with them.
If i think that something is going on that i don't know about that i should know about i can't stop thinking and wondering what is going on. And if I can't figure out what is truly going on, I obsess over it.
Babies and pretty faces distract me in a way that they shouldn't. I see a baby and i forget everything and anything that i was doing, saying or thinking. Same thing when i see a cat that looks like Tyler used to. Same thing when i see a drop dead gorgeous girl walking towards me. Right now, as i lay here in my bed, typing this right off the top of my head, my mind is elsewhere trying to figure out how i'm going to write Six Timezones and City of Angels.
I hear voices.
What brought all this on? A conversation with Heather.
The conversation bothered me a little bit. It seriously did. I don't think that any ones mind works like mine. I don't think that people have all that wrong with their head. It is unlikely. And it's not even that i don't believe i am the only one. If someones mind worked like mine, i feel truly sorry for them. No ones mind should work the way mine does. I suffer, I am always in pain and i don't wish that on anyone.
I met this one girl who thought like i did and had all those things wrong with me that i did. I took her under my wing. Tried to calm her voices down. Did everything i could. Spent all the time i could with her. But it didn't work. One day she just broke. Pressures from family, school and a relationship that just wasn't meant to be broke her. She lost hope. I tried to stay with her but she decided that she didn't want me around. That was 4 years ago. The last thing i had that put a smile on my face. She ended up in a mental hospital for about 2 months. They found the medication she needs and, last i heard, was taking them and isn't the person she was before. This girl tried to kill herself in front of me with a butcher knife. I fought it off of her and almost got cut in the process myself. She slashed at me. If she would have put more pressure on my palm when she had the knife she would've sliced it open. And she wasn't aiming for my palm when she did. She was aiming for my wrist. Through some miracle, the knife that her mom used to cut the meat didn't do any damage to my palm.
It's not that i don't think i'm the only person in the world that has all these things wrong with them. Not at all. I met someone who did. And she broke. Having all those things wrong with you at the same time is rare. And i don't wish it upon anyone.
I am damaged and can not be healed. I am broken and can not be fixed.
What keeps me functioning?
HONESTY, LOYALTY, RESPECT AND HONOR
Before i typed this, i wrote it on paper and i reviewed everything that i have ever learned about those three things. Before i posted this, i checked my facts about them and looked through a couple of websites with information. After i post this i will check it again and edit accordingly. I will keep doing this up until i feel it's perfect. I write, check my facts, and rewrite. All the time. The poems and stories posted are not always the same. In the transition from mind to paper, a poem or story has one form. When it hits paper, it is rewritten to sound better. When it is posted, again.
A thought pops into my head and i obsess over it. When i meet someone from a different place than the one i live, i do research on that place. I met frank and tamsin, i printed out more than 25 pages of history of South Africa. Tamsin said "I Love You" to me and i found out she spoke Afrikaans, i searched online for a day trying to figure out how to say it in that language. (i thought i spelled the name of the language wrong so i looked for the message where she confirmed it and copy and pasted it on here.)
Tammy and Heather (not the one i hang with now) did witchcraft. I did research on the history of Wicca and looked for protection spells that i could do on myself and looked for places that would do it for me in case things went sour with them.
If i think that something is going on that i don't know about that i should know about i can't stop thinking and wondering what is going on. And if I can't figure out what is truly going on, I obsess over it.
Babies and pretty faces distract me in a way that they shouldn't. I see a baby and i forget everything and anything that i was doing, saying or thinking. Same thing when i see a cat that looks like Tyler used to. Same thing when i see a drop dead gorgeous girl walking towards me. Right now, as i lay here in my bed, typing this right off the top of my head, my mind is elsewhere trying to figure out how i'm going to write Six Timezones and City of Angels.
I hear voices.
What brought all this on? A conversation with Heather.
The conversation bothered me a little bit. It seriously did. I don't think that any ones mind works like mine. I don't think that people have all that wrong with their head. It is unlikely. And it's not even that i don't believe i am the only one. If someones mind worked like mine, i feel truly sorry for them. No ones mind should work the way mine does. I suffer, I am always in pain and i don't wish that on anyone.
I met this one girl who thought like i did and had all those things wrong with me that i did. I took her under my wing. Tried to calm her voices down. Did everything i could. Spent all the time i could with her. But it didn't work. One day she just broke. Pressures from family, school and a relationship that just wasn't meant to be broke her. She lost hope. I tried to stay with her but she decided that she didn't want me around. That was 4 years ago. The last thing i had that put a smile on my face. She ended up in a mental hospital for about 2 months. They found the medication she needs and, last i heard, was taking them and isn't the person she was before. This girl tried to kill herself in front of me with a butcher knife. I fought it off of her and almost got cut in the process myself. She slashed at me. If she would have put more pressure on my palm when she had the knife she would've sliced it open. And she wasn't aiming for my palm when she did. She was aiming for my wrist. Through some miracle, the knife that her mom used to cut the meat didn't do any damage to my palm.
It's not that i don't think i'm the only person in the world that has all these things wrong with them. Not at all. I met someone who did. And she broke. Having all those things wrong with you at the same time is rare. And i don't wish it upon anyone.
I am damaged and can not be healed. I am broken and can not be fixed.
What keeps me functioning?
HONESTY, LOYALTY, RESPECT AND HONOR
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Random Work Stories
Chapter One. Yeah, I'm an asshole.
The one thing that really pissed me off, gets under my skin is the students not telling us that the milk ran out. They just keep moving on to the next milk down the line until they are all gone and then they complain. Thats four types of milk. 1%, 2% fat free and chocolate. We keep a pretty good eye on everything else. The frozen yogurt machine lights up when it's empty, so does the juice. Plates and silverware and cups are easy because it's easy to spot when they are empty. If there is a cart that is half full with plates, yeah, we need plates on the floor. If there is a tower of cups in the back, we might need cups. If we have to sort silverware that just came out of the dishwasher, then someone might want to check the silverware. Those thing are easy. The milk sits in a stainless steel(?) refrigerator with no way of seeing that it is empty from the outside. So we rely on the students who never say a damn thing. So one day, after i had already filled up all four milks, i noticed a line of people at the milk fridge. I stepped up to them and said, "So, the milk is empty?"
They, of course, looked at me and nodded. To which i replied, "You better tell someone," i took off my apron and my name tag and informed them that i was on my break.
Students are not allowed to grab silverware from the containers we bring them out in.
I went to the bathroom and saw a student in there. I always go to the students bathroom to check out which ones wash their hands and not. I waste about 40 seconds washing my hands as it is recommended by the company we work for. In those 40 seconds, alot of students come in and don't wash their hands. When i came out of the bathroom and went on to put silverware out, one of the nasty ass kids was going to grab a fork from the container. I told him he isn't allowed to. When he gave me an attitude about it, i yelled out, "Because i don't think people would appreciate eating with silverware that touched the hands you didn't wash after you finished using the bathroom." I did so infront of his boys and this one girl he was talking to.
Same with an old guy who should have known better. I slapped his hand away from the container and said "NO!" as if he was a toddeler.
We close down sections of the dinning hall before we close the dinning hall down itself. We used to have signs. The students didn't know how to read so we put the chairs up as barriers. The students moved the chairs so we put the chairs up and put barriers up to show them that the section is indeed closed and they aren't supposed to sit up there. Students would still sit up there. Last year, after seeing that a group of students moved the barrier and put the chairs down in a row of tables. I went up there with a bucket of soapy water and a rag. I walked to their table, slammed the bucket on the table splashing water on it and their food. I informerd them that they were sitting on a section that was closed. Then told them that they have to wipe the tables and put the chairs up when they were done. (We build bigger barriers with tables and chairs now, students still sit on closed sections, we kick them the hell out.)
My crew and I regularly take brooms, dust pans, push brooms, rags, gloves mops and mop buckets from anyone and everyone that isn't in our crew, and never give them back. My crew and I take our breaks whenever we want. As long as it's before seven. Then we don't take breaks, even though it's company policy. We start to close the dinning hall down at seven starting with the upper sections. We kick everyone out that wasn't there before seven, even though its against company policy. We cut corners everyday, different ones per day, and we never get caught. We piss students off on the regular and then go to the dishroom and laugh about it with the guys in the dishroom and the cooks.
Why does my crews actions make me into an asshole? HA! I trained them.
The one thing that really pissed me off, gets under my skin is the students not telling us that the milk ran out. They just keep moving on to the next milk down the line until they are all gone and then they complain. Thats four types of milk. 1%, 2% fat free and chocolate. We keep a pretty good eye on everything else. The frozen yogurt machine lights up when it's empty, so does the juice. Plates and silverware and cups are easy because it's easy to spot when they are empty. If there is a cart that is half full with plates, yeah, we need plates on the floor. If there is a tower of cups in the back, we might need cups. If we have to sort silverware that just came out of the dishwasher, then someone might want to check the silverware. Those thing are easy. The milk sits in a stainless steel(?) refrigerator with no way of seeing that it is empty from the outside. So we rely on the students who never say a damn thing. So one day, after i had already filled up all four milks, i noticed a line of people at the milk fridge. I stepped up to them and said, "So, the milk is empty?"
They, of course, looked at me and nodded. To which i replied, "You better tell someone," i took off my apron and my name tag and informed them that i was on my break.
Students are not allowed to grab silverware from the containers we bring them out in.
I went to the bathroom and saw a student in there. I always go to the students bathroom to check out which ones wash their hands and not. I waste about 40 seconds washing my hands as it is recommended by the company we work for. In those 40 seconds, alot of students come in and don't wash their hands. When i came out of the bathroom and went on to put silverware out, one of the nasty ass kids was going to grab a fork from the container. I told him he isn't allowed to. When he gave me an attitude about it, i yelled out, "Because i don't think people would appreciate eating with silverware that touched the hands you didn't wash after you finished using the bathroom." I did so infront of his boys and this one girl he was talking to.
Same with an old guy who should have known better. I slapped his hand away from the container and said "NO!" as if he was a toddeler.
We close down sections of the dinning hall before we close the dinning hall down itself. We used to have signs. The students didn't know how to read so we put the chairs up as barriers. The students moved the chairs so we put the chairs up and put barriers up to show them that the section is indeed closed and they aren't supposed to sit up there. Students would still sit up there. Last year, after seeing that a group of students moved the barrier and put the chairs down in a row of tables. I went up there with a bucket of soapy water and a rag. I walked to their table, slammed the bucket on the table splashing water on it and their food. I informerd them that they were sitting on a section that was closed. Then told them that they have to wipe the tables and put the chairs up when they were done. (We build bigger barriers with tables and chairs now, students still sit on closed sections, we kick them the hell out.)
My crew and I regularly take brooms, dust pans, push brooms, rags, gloves mops and mop buckets from anyone and everyone that isn't in our crew, and never give them back. My crew and I take our breaks whenever we want. As long as it's before seven. Then we don't take breaks, even though it's company policy. We start to close the dinning hall down at seven starting with the upper sections. We kick everyone out that wasn't there before seven, even though its against company policy. We cut corners everyday, different ones per day, and we never get caught. We piss students off on the regular and then go to the dishroom and laugh about it with the guys in the dishroom and the cooks.
Why does my crews actions make me into an asshole? HA! I trained them.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
To __________ Part 2
He brushed his hand over her face and she did the same.
And they shared a passionate kiss that was long over due.
They looked in each others eyes and knew
That this was different than anything they had experienced before.
He kissed her on her cheeks and on her forehead
She kissed his palms and thanked god that his right hand told her what his heart felt.
And kissed his lips because all the words he ever spoke were the most honest she had ever heard.
They confessed their love at the same time
And broke in to laughter right after.
Sitting on her bed surrounded by cotton white sheets.
She took his shirt off and put her hand over his heart and knew that it beat for her and only her.
He took her shirt off and looked at the perfection that had been taken for granted
This experience had been a long time coming
And there was no way that they were going to rush it.
They talked, they laughed, they cried from happiness, they played.
They lay naked under the covers her on top of him
Doing nothing other than enjoying the others body heat.
The others presence after so much time being apart.
They kissed and cuddled and laughed some more.
And even though the thought about making love crossed their mind
Being together was enough.
They cried out of happiness, confessed their love, they laughed, they cuddled
They slept.
And they shared a passionate kiss that was long over due.
They looked in each others eyes and knew
That this was different than anything they had experienced before.
He kissed her on her cheeks and on her forehead
She kissed his palms and thanked god that his right hand told her what his heart felt.
And kissed his lips because all the words he ever spoke were the most honest she had ever heard.
They confessed their love at the same time
And broke in to laughter right after.
Sitting on her bed surrounded by cotton white sheets.
She took his shirt off and put her hand over his heart and knew that it beat for her and only her.
He took her shirt off and looked at the perfection that had been taken for granted
This experience had been a long time coming
And there was no way that they were going to rush it.
They talked, they laughed, they cried from happiness, they played.
They lay naked under the covers her on top of him
Doing nothing other than enjoying the others body heat.
The others presence after so much time being apart.
They kissed and cuddled and laughed some more.
And even though the thought about making love crossed their mind
Being together was enough.
They cried out of happiness, confessed their love, they laughed, they cuddled
They slept.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
On being in a good mood and feeling old.
Yeah.
Four years ago, i met this girl. Her name was shayna. She was different than i. Way different. I was insane. She was closer to normal but somehow everything worked. I loved her and she still holds a place in my heart. On top of having that, my friends and i got closer together. We were inseparable. The thing that ruined my mood back then was a misunderstanding between i and my closest friend. That opened up a rift between us that pretty much ended the way we viewed each other and our place in the group. I became lost. I let go shayna out of pure stupidity. I went out with someone else who tried to control me and the way i thought about myself and everything around me. Two years i stayed with her. Two. For no other reason than i didn't want to be alone. Then after her, when i finally saw that i wouldn't be alone, i broke up with her and fell for a sex crazed chick who i would later come to find out that she had problems, serious over the top problems. But that little voice in my head that wouldn't alow me to be alone so i stuck with her. Went out with her for 6 months. Broke up, was engaged to and then betrayed by her. I don't know what woke me up. I don't even think i did wake up. I just stopped caring. Caring about everything and anything that mattered to me. And that included her. My sanity took shelter in one person. A person i love very much. Jenn. Yeah. She kept me sane. Through everything she was there. If she wasn't, I wouldv'e given up on everything. Put myself in an insane asylum just so that i wouldn't have to deal with the outside world. She kept me hopeful.
Heather Riley showed me that i shouldn't change a bit. Then a random message from Frank White letting me know that he thought i was a really good writer. Jenn seconded the opinion. Random friend request from Tamsin Wort and she also thought that i was a great writer.
You have to understand that for four years the two girls that i decided to live my days with. waste time with, told me that my dreams were just that, dreams. That they would nave be realised. Now i have four people telling me that i should stay the way i am. The my dreams will be realized if i work hard to get them.
The thing that put me in a really good mood was Tamsins random messsage. A message that has changed everythig between her and i. I was already in a good mood but this solidified it.
"nothing that s written comes from nowhere, whatever it is that we write about brings us personal growth as well as th ability to communicate through litterature.
this my own quote but iwnated to tell it to you because you are by far the best writer i have ever come across...
someone once told me,
'with some love, anyone an become a poet'
what they didn't mention was, 'when love is lost, all we're left with ar the words it leaves behind'."
So, for the recap. I have jenn, a great source of inspiration. The story of our relationship in high school and how things went is, to say the least, improbable.
Frank. Someone i trust even though i have never met him face to face before. And, even if he doesn't know it, if he is ever in a bind, i will move heaven and earth to help him.
Heather Riley who puts up with me on a daily basis and my insanity.
Tamsin. The most perfect woman i have come across in a long time. Seriously.
I am in a good mood for the first time in four years thanks to them.
I am insane, i hear voices, i am loyal, honest and i show proper respect where it is deserved. I have long hair and i am immature and people love me for it. For the first time in four years. Obama is president and i found a twenty on the floor at work.
Yeah, the planets aligned and hell froze over. I didn't think i ever deserved to be this happy.
thanks to you all.
Four years ago, i met this girl. Her name was shayna. She was different than i. Way different. I was insane. She was closer to normal but somehow everything worked. I loved her and she still holds a place in my heart. On top of having that, my friends and i got closer together. We were inseparable. The thing that ruined my mood back then was a misunderstanding between i and my closest friend. That opened up a rift between us that pretty much ended the way we viewed each other and our place in the group. I became lost. I let go shayna out of pure stupidity. I went out with someone else who tried to control me and the way i thought about myself and everything around me. Two years i stayed with her. Two. For no other reason than i didn't want to be alone. Then after her, when i finally saw that i wouldn't be alone, i broke up with her and fell for a sex crazed chick who i would later come to find out that she had problems, serious over the top problems. But that little voice in my head that wouldn't alow me to be alone so i stuck with her. Went out with her for 6 months. Broke up, was engaged to and then betrayed by her. I don't know what woke me up. I don't even think i did wake up. I just stopped caring. Caring about everything and anything that mattered to me. And that included her. My sanity took shelter in one person. A person i love very much. Jenn. Yeah. She kept me sane. Through everything she was there. If she wasn't, I wouldv'e given up on everything. Put myself in an insane asylum just so that i wouldn't have to deal with the outside world. She kept me hopeful.
Heather Riley showed me that i shouldn't change a bit. Then a random message from Frank White letting me know that he thought i was a really good writer. Jenn seconded the opinion. Random friend request from Tamsin Wort and she also thought that i was a great writer.
You have to understand that for four years the two girls that i decided to live my days with. waste time with, told me that my dreams were just that, dreams. That they would nave be realised. Now i have four people telling me that i should stay the way i am. The my dreams will be realized if i work hard to get them.
The thing that put me in a really good mood was Tamsins random messsage. A message that has changed everythig between her and i. I was already in a good mood but this solidified it.
"nothing that s written comes from nowhere, whatever it is that we write about brings us personal growth as well as th ability to communicate through litterature.
this my own quote but iwnated to tell it to you because you are by far the best writer i have ever come across...
someone once told me,
'with some love, anyone an become a poet'
what they didn't mention was, 'when love is lost, all we're left with ar the words it leaves behind'."
So, for the recap. I have jenn, a great source of inspiration. The story of our relationship in high school and how things went is, to say the least, improbable.
Frank. Someone i trust even though i have never met him face to face before. And, even if he doesn't know it, if he is ever in a bind, i will move heaven and earth to help him.
Heather Riley who puts up with me on a daily basis and my insanity.
Tamsin. The most perfect woman i have come across in a long time. Seriously.
I am in a good mood for the first time in four years thanks to them.
I am insane, i hear voices, i am loyal, honest and i show proper respect where it is deserved. I have long hair and i am immature and people love me for it. For the first time in four years. Obama is president and i found a twenty on the floor at work.
Yeah, the planets aligned and hell froze over. I didn't think i ever deserved to be this happy.
thanks to you all.
Sunday, November 2, 2008
untitled nov 2 2008
my internal clock goes off at 6am and the sleepiness and grogginess that i am supposed to feel is replaced by the anticipation of talking to you. i think about our conversations and the ear to ear smile i get. and even though we have never met face to face, everytime i read your words and think of you, my spirit crosses 6 timezones to be with you. holding your hand, hugging you.
placing delicate kisses on your hands, your cheeks, your forehead.
my head feels fuzzy, my heart is 4 times the regular size. i have a permanent smile on my face that hasn't been there in more than 4 years and i am here now, reading my words and reading yours, asking myself if what i am feeling is truly love.
i am her beautiful disaster.
placing delicate kisses on your hands, your cheeks, your forehead.
my head feels fuzzy, my heart is 4 times the regular size. i have a permanent smile on my face that hasn't been there in more than 4 years and i am here now, reading my words and reading yours, asking myself if what i am feeling is truly love.
i am her beautiful disaster.
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